Balancing Truth and Love

If someone tells you that you stink, do they love you, or hate you? Regardless of how we felt towards them yesterday, when we hear an uncomfortable truth, we often question whether we are "loved." One indicator of a strong relationship is your capacity to accept truth without rejecting love.

The way we communicate determines how much truth we can handle in our relationship before we question if the other person loves us. We want to be accepted the way we are, but we also want to improve ourselves, and communicate our needs to one another.

When we know someone loves us, we trust them, and are more receptive to hearing truth from them. But if there is a low level of trust and respect in a relationship, we don't take feedback well. If your friend treats you as an enemy, it's hard to see them as a friend, unless you really know them and trust them. We have to be able to see past how we feel about something, to see how things actually are. It's important to learn to separate the facts, from the stories we tell ourselves about the facts.

 We need to separate the truth or the experience, from our perception or feelings about it. People may be scowling at you, and that may make you feel that they are mad at you, but what is actually happening? The only thing that's happening here is that their face is scrunching. What we see is all we know, and then we color our perception of what we see by what we believe.

If we fundamentally believe we are loved, we may say "What's wrong, are you ok?" On the other hand, if we don't believe we are loved we may believe "they are mad at me," or, "they are against me right now," without even realizing that is the story we are telling ourselves.

Our ability to increase the trust in our relationship depends on how we treat one another's flaws, imperfections, and perceived offenses. It must be clear to the other person that we love and care about them, long before we judge or correct them. Trust is based on integrity. If we are always true to our own principles of being kind, forgiving, patient and understanding, and reliable, others will learn to trust us. If there is more trust, there will be more respect. If there is high trust and love, there is a higher capacity to handle truth, even when it hurts, without doubting the other person's love.

Stephen Covey teaches that we have an emotional bank account that can increase or decrease the amount of love and trust we feel in our relationships. When there is higher amounts of trust and love felt, there is a higher capacity to give and accept the truth about our flaws, imperfections, mistakes and offenses. But more importantly, increasing the amount of love and trust in our relationships also increases our capacity to give and accept truth about our virtues, and strengths. It brings out the best in us.

Which is more effective, to criticize someone for their flaws, or to encourage them with their strengths?

There is good and bad in every moment and every person. Our perceptions color how much good or bad we see in ourselves or others, but the truth is that there is a lot of good in everyone, along with all their imperfections. They are both true. It is true that there are vices and weaknesses. It is also true that there are virtues and strengths.

Even if someone completely embodies only the negative, flawed or evil side of their character (which isn't usually the case but sometimes is all we see in them when we are mad), they still have a capacity to do and become good.

I have a friend who was struggling with a rebellious daughter. She would struggle to see any good in her or their relationship. She decided that she would look for the good, and point it out, no matter how small it was. Since she started doing that it was easier to look past the annoying things her daughter did.

If you want to see someone improve themselves and be happier, we can look for the good in them and point it out--until we believe it, and until they believe it.

Doing so will brings out the best in all of us.